Events as of late


 Well, last Sunday I moved to Lincoln City. I am living with my father inlaw. Michelle and I are still sharing a room. Pink is an odd color to adjust too... Elskie and Gaston were arguing but that's nothing typically new. That's not why I left. I left because Sarin's husband fractured her nose and she's going back to the prick. She's not even pressing charges against him. I can't stand and watch. So I left. I live in fear of getting a phone call saying that he's killed her. If there is a next time of her leaving him and it involves violence I'm turning it into the police. Her husband told my eldest Godchild if he didn't eat his dinner he'd stab his mother in the leg. That man is no good for her. I pray that Oya takes care of him. He has every horrible thing in this world coming to him. Things here aren't that bad so far. I'm mostly alone but keep in contact with people via internet and phone.
 Kyle is here until next week after xmas. Tomorrow we celebrate Yuletide and Don's birthday. I think I will make him a cake to surprise him. No clue on what type of cake though. :-/
 The library has a Winter Solstice celebration happening tomorrow night so I think I will try and go to that as well for Michelle's sake :) We already read the story of Yuletide. We went to Goodwill and picked out a lovely hand sewn dress for Michelle for Yuletide. She adores it and calls it her Sailor Moon Princess dress. :)
We went to the beach just when the tide was starting to go out and we picked a Yule Log from the rocks right by the sand. It's soaking wet. Hopefully it will dry out by tomorrow but I'm not banking on it.
 Kyle and have been having a casual thing. We need to stop doing it. It's not healthy and I find myself getting emotionally hurt because he will not admit or tell me that he thinks I am beautiful. I know I shouldn't let it bother me but after him telling me a few months ago he doesn't find me attractive and then all this shit happens it's difficult to really not let it bug me. . . I don't get him. No; we're not getting back together. He doesn't love me. It doesn't matter if I love him or not. I know we're no good for each other. We both deserve something different. We'll drive each other crazy if we're together. I cannot put myself through that. I can't put my daughter through that. Furthermore, I can't put my cat through that.
 My student loans have gone into repayment. Luckily, it's rather cheap $50/month. I know I will not be going back to school for a while. DHS provides free short term training. I am planning on doing this training so I can get a better paying job and then do my Doula work on the side. I will be in Lincoln City for a while. I don't know how long. Kyle will not be relocating. He has a year left of school he said. And then he says he plans on getting a job but does not think he can get one closer to here. It's up to him on what he wants to do. As a parent it is up to him to decide on his level of involvement. I worry it will strain his relationship with Michelle. At the same time though it makes life easier on me as far as raising Michelle the way I'd like too goes.

 Other than that mom's health is questionable. She is getting put on heart monitors three times a week and she has cirrhosis of the liver and can't even smoke bud she's so ill. I worry for her. That's one of the few reasons I was staying in Portland. However, mom apparently got approved for section 8 housing and will be able to move in a few short months to Marion County. So near or in Salem. She'll be about an hour away from me driving wise. So I don't worry so much. Mom also has to at some point get a colonoscopy. I'm sure more horrid and vague test results will follow :-( Ug. Anyways, I am getting hungry and I think I need to make dinner sometime soon. Happy Yuletide all. We'll have a full moon and a total lunar eclipse this year. :)

This weekend has been by far one of the weirdest/normal-est ones I've had in a long time.

I don't call it home because it doesn't feel like home. I don't know what does anymore. So many drastic changes in life in the past five and a half months. My mind hasn't been put through so many trials ever at once in such a short time. I just don't know what to think anymore. But what else is new. Keep your chin up Cheri. It's going to possibly get worse before it gets better. That's what dad always says. Perhaps this time you will be right Pop. I hate this time of my life. I know in Thanksgivings to come I will look back at this time and I will remember the trials I've been through and I will be thankful then for whatever is better in my life at that time rather than the constant struggles I'm going through now. Anyways, I am off. Michelle is waking up.

 The upwards point I guess is that I get to drive my sister in laws car up to Eugene or Salem tomorrow by myself. Which means blasting music and screaming songs in the car. I look forward to it. It has been entirely to long since I've been able to scream songs at the top of my lungs while driving and blasting tunes. It's therapeutic. Monday I begin my journey to find daycare for Michelle. And then Friday I have my appointment with my JOBs worker.

I'm pretty sure I think too much.

 I thought that this would be easy. It's the weirdest and hardest thing to sit next to him as he flirts with his sisters best friend and he inches away from me slowly as if I'm the most disgusting thing in the world. I know I shouldn't let it bug me. I'd be lying though if I said it didn't. It's amazing to me that the man who used to make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world now makes me feel as if I am the most disgusting vile thing to walk the earth. He doesn't even have to use words. It's just his body language. I wish I could ignore it. It depresses me. I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that I didn't take my Vitamin D for 2 days because I couldn't find it or because my moon time is approaching. He doesn't deserve me and I know it. He treated me like shit and was inconsiderate. Still is. So why do I let it bug me so much. Why can't I just shut my emotions off? I don't love him.  It's so weird sitting there watching movies of him as a child. Still thinking he's adorable. I can't help but feel like laying my head on his shoulder like I used to. I don't love him. He humiliated me in front of his friends because I suspected he was cheating on me. Never once did he defend me. Never once did he apologize. I've even brought it up and his response was that I never apologized for all the shit I put Roseanne through. This isn't even about Roseanne. I've apologized to her regardless countless times. But he just selectively seems to forget. Fancy that. Oh well. It's in the past and doesn't really fucking matter anyways. I have nothing at this point to be thankful for. Hope anyone out there reading at least does.

Did I write that I'm over Kyle? Yeah. It's pretty awesome. Now I just don't like him. In fact, I'm considering taking him off my friends list because he never ceases to piss me off. Moving out of Portland. It depresses me. I will miss home. Portland is the only place I've ever felt at home.

Did I write that I'm over Kyle? Yeah. It's pretty awesome. Now I just don't like him. In fact, I'm considering taking him off my friends list because he never ceases to piss me off. Moving out of Portland. It depresses me. I will miss home. Portland is the only place I've ever felt at home.

It's too easy to loose faith in myself these days. I've fallen behind and my time here is going to be coming to an end in a few months. Elskie will be moving on. Gaston has had talks of moving out to Rockwood. There is no way in hell I would ever live in Rockwood. That's worse than felony flats. I need to get my shit together. Enough of this. I feel like I'm getting dragged down. I feel almost helpless. How am I suppose to find work when I have no one to watch Michelle?  Oi.

I'm really in love with this concept of this whole binder. The website is pretty nifty too! Check it out!!! ^_^


Coupon Binder Organizer of DOOM

What has the world done to you? You're not the same person I fell in love with. I hope that makes it easier to get over you. But truth be told, I feel like you died and left me behind. Here alone. Your drinking is getting out of hand. You will not listen to me about this. It scares me. I've seen to many people go down that path my love. A lot of my psychological problems have to do with growing up around people to drunk to raise me. Also my father's brother molesting me while everyone was drunk. I don't want you to become this oblivious to let your guard down around your daughter. I don't want this path for you. Is the thing I manifested in order for you to become happy truly turned you into an alcoholic? I cannot stand to see you this way any more. You're loosing me. You're loosing me fast. I cannot live this way.I cannot sit and watch you do this to yourself. To your daughter. However, I cannot just turn a cheek as we have a daughter together. I have to watch. And it's killing me see you turn into something I know you're a thousand times better than. I'm not talking you up anymore. I know you. I'm your wife. You're the man who thinks that pot is one of the worst things in the world and you didn't even drink until after your 21st birthday. You're my nerd that can recite the first 17 digits of pie.  I know of your funny ankle thing and it does not bother me. Neither do your hobbit feet. You know my bodies map and I know yours.
 It does not take knowing your map though to know that this is not a good path for you to take. You will not listen to me though so I do not tell you. I'm breaking away from you. But I must keep an open eye upon you and you make these decisions to make sure you do not slip up and do something you're going to regret that could hurt Michelle. Fuck hurting me. All I care about is if you do something stupid that causes her to get hurt.
  I'm surviving. I'm getting out of bed. I've become physically sick over all this stress. Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment.
 I am done with you. Know this love. Despite how much I may love you I cannot be with you ever with you going down this path. I cannot have what happened to me happen to her. I will not. 

I've wasted so much time on him. Mother fucker doesn't even pay child support. His excuse. He hasn't been asked to by any state agency. Yet he know how much we're suffering. Fuck you Kyle.

For the past two months I've thought of taking my own life nearly everyday because of him. I am done with it. He's never once apologized to me for all the shit he's ever done to me. I at least had the decency to apologize to him about Skyler. I am done feeling like I want to kill myself over someone who has such a total disregard for my feelings and doesn't even seem to give a shit in the slightest about how I feel. No mater how much I still am in love with him at this point I will never accept him back because I deserve better than this shit. Whether it be a friend or my husband. I am done with you. You've lost your chance love.

You will never hurt me again.

It's official. The only thing that has completely took my mind off of Kyle was when my client's water broke and I had to go in for her labor. And when my client was resting during labor, the thoughts of Kyle were still there. Go figure.

How I feel today summed up in media images and songs.

There's more... .But I think anyone who actually will take the time to listen to this music and hear the lyrics will get the idea.

This pain and sadness just wont go away... I try to distract myself I try to do the things that usually bring me joy and nothing works. I feel like I've lost the only family that matters to me. Just by loosing one person.

So drained and tired. Mom's heart aparently is fine. So they're going to release her at some point today. They're taking FOREVER though. Because mom is stable so they're putting her off to be seen and discharged. If this hospital were better staffed they would have discharged her first thing this morning like they said they would. And I'm bitching. Because I'm tired.

Mom in hospital


 My mother is spending the night in the hospital. She broke her collar bone about a month ago. She was complaining this morning about chest pains. So she had me drive. I drove us down to public storage. Around the time when I was almost done going through my storage unit she became ill and began vomiting. After about 45 minutes of her puking both at Public Storage and at my sister's house my sister and I convinced her to let me take her in to the emergency room.
 They admitted her right away because of her chest pains. She had some chest xrays done and some heart tests ran. They also recently ran an abdominal xray on her. She took her sleep medicine and now it looks like she is going to sleep. The doctor said that if everything checks out that she should be out of here first thing in the morning. On my way back up to her room from the car I saw someone's car parked in a disabled spot. It looks like they're living out of their car just like my mom. It saddens me how many people who are elderly that are living out of their cars and getting sick. I saddens me more that if I weren't with my mother today something serious could have happened to her and no one would have been with her. Especially since I am nearly in the same boat as her. It kills me. Anyways, I am going to drink some 7-up and job hunt. I don't think I want to live with Gaston and Elskie after their lease is up. Right now, I want it to be just me and Michelle. I don't want my friends to sit around everyday and watching me be depressed. They have their own lives to worry about. I love them and appreciate them for more than they will ever know. But I can't stand for people to see me like this. I can't stand not working. I can't stand a lot of things. I feel worthless. But that's nothing new. I have my beautiful little girl to worry about. I'm still holding out hope for Kyle. Naive as it may be. I love him. That will not change.

I know if a good friend of mine knew what was going on with me right now what he'd say.... He'd say "It's going to be alright" but honestly I can't see how that's going to come to pass right now. Am I just suppose to hold onto this forever and act like it didn't happen like the government does with the BP spill or a bunch of other things? That's not going to get me anywhere. It's just going to damage my soul more in the end. I just don't know what to do... It's so hard to get my mind off of this. I've tried to keep my mind off of it for so long that now it seems there is no holding back. -sighs- I don't know what to do.

I woke up several times last night. Finding it hard to sleep. Coughing was part of it. The other was nightmares relating to Kyle.

It's been almost six months... It's still difficult to sleep without you by my side. I miss you, and I will never forgive myself for asking the Goddess for you to be able to get over me and be happy. I know I will never get over you. You're the love of my life. I wish the spell never took. It's all my fault. I know you don't believe in it or anything. But you've never had a broken heart before now. I think you would figure out otherwise that it's not normal to get over your wife so easily.

I don't want to get over him. He's the love of my life. Who the hell would ever want to get over the love of their life? If you ever did you're a crazy mother fucker.

Truly The End of Our Marriage
 I feel like someone has taken a melon baller and scraped a part of me out. After in dawning upon me that Kyle was not suicidal and once I got past the initial being pissed off period for him lying about it I realized that I was still madly in love with my husband. I've been crying for over a week now. In the process of being angry over all of this I noticed how miserable that Kyle was. I was afraid he may still take his life. So, during a full moon ritual I asked for his pain to be healed and that he was able to move on with his life and be happy. I am such a fool. I told him about why I had left. He told me that he wish that I would have told him. I wish I had too. I was too afraid and panicked. I made a rash decision. It is through bad communication the light the fire. It is lies of fear that made the winds blow to a point this small fire turned into a huge one. He told me that he'd consider it. After a week of sitting around the house and waiting, already knowing what was coming we spoke. I tried to ignore the obvious omens. His mixed messages, our handfasting cord unraveling itself of the knots. Our marriage was so fixable. In the process of this summer I got over Skyler. I've sat in silence holding in my feelings for my husband for a long time. Why? Because he looked so happy. Who am I to touch that? I started going slightly mad with grief. Part of me still is. I would stand somewhere in my home looking out my window. My memory can still feel his spirit wrapping his arms around me from behind. Holding me and slightly rocking from side to side while he gently kissed my neck. I cherish those memories with every fiber of my being. I look forward to the day when I can recall them without crying. His answer was inevitable. He got over me. He's happy. He's growing as a person. He said that he loves me but it's in the way you love family. I hate living in grief like this. I really do. But because of the many things I did in hopes of him becoming happy I've destroyed our marriage. I lost the love of my life. Seems rather naive to say at the age of 23. But he is all I know. I'm not sure if it was worth it or not. He was my best friend. Now I feel like I have no one to talk to. It really sucks. Don't fuck with magick while you're angry or blinded by emotions children. It will bite you in the ass and you'll some day realize what you thought you wanted was indeed something completely else. It would have been five years we were together in April. So what do I do now? I guess I need another spell. Because I do not want to live in this despair. It's effecting my ability to be a mother. I can't have that. It's not fair to my beautiful daughter. Not to mention I am on call right now. I do not want this to affect my ability to be a wonderful Doula come baby time. I guess that I need to focus on the other things that bring me joy. And the other things that need my attention and utmost focus. I cannot refuse to lay down and die. Even if it feels like a wonderful idea. I guess I should make a list yeah?
Here it goes:

-Get a job
-Spend quality time with Michelle
-Go hiking
-Devote myself completely as a Doula and Mother to the task at hand
-Do Yoga
-Eat something healthy (or anything for that mater)
-Get back into school
-Spend time discovering myself as it is not until you know yourself that you know what you truly want in life.
-Go see my dad (I really have wanted my father in all of this)
-Get my own place (I'm thinking of renting a 2 bedroom manufactured home to save money)

I'm sure there is more but I figure this is a good start.

I fucked up so bad. And now I am almost certain I lost the one thing I asked the Goddess for. I was so specific and all I did was fuck it up when I got what I asked for. All I was trying to do was save him so my daughter would have a father and he wouldn’t kill himself. I thought in leaving I’d remedy the problem and he would stay alive. He certainly stayed alive but I later found out that he was lying about suicidal. So, instead I just threw him away and now I’m afraid I’ll never get him back. What have I done? How could I be so stupid? Why didn’t I fight for it? He said it took one month. I thought I had a bigger place in his heart than for him getting over me to take a whole month. I feel worthless and stupid. I know I probably shouldn’t beat myself up over all of this but it’s difficult not to right now. So is the Tao and so is my karma. It’s amazing how easy it is to disturb the balance in which you seek and how hard it is to get that balance back. I miss him and love him. What have I done? It feels like I ran. I’m such a coward. I knew then what I was getting when I left. It’s just so hard to accept. It feels like I sacrificed it all for nothing. I’m not even sure if it was worth it at this point. Is he happy? It seems like it. Would I make him miserable? I’m not sure. We fought a lot; more than mom and dad by far. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. I shouldn’t be allowed to cry as I’ve done this to myself. I cannot find peace right now. I don’t even think that ridding my bicycle would help at this point. At this point I don’t deserve sympathy. I assume the only thing I honestly would get at this point would be pity. I don’t want anyone’s pity. It makes me feel so weak when I do have it. I hate this part. I know I can go on in despair like this for months. I have before. But never before was I married. Never before was it something that I asked the Goddess specifically for. Never before now. So I have no clue how long this despair, heartbreak, and sadness with last. I’m so sorry that I was so stupid. If I would have known that you weren’t suicidal Kyle, I would have fought tooth and nail for us. I was so scared. I’m sorry. I was such a coward. I’m too late. A part of me knows this. However, he said he’d think about it. But I am just hanging onto that thread. Not a very strong shard of hope at all. A month…. I can’t believe you said it only took a month to get over me…

Sick Days


 Today, the entire house is sick minus the cats. Boo and Michelle have loads of energy. Gaston is gone at school and all Elskie and I feel like doing is sleeping. We are out of saltines and 7-up. And Juice. And pretty much anything else anyone would need to nurse themselves back to health. I took a bath earlier and practically had to crawl from the bathtub to my bed. I feel so weak. I called Michelle's father because he had left his toothbrush in Michelle's overnight bag. I asked him since he had to come here to retrieve his toothbrush is he'd mind taking me to the store to get some things we needed. He started telling me he didn't think he could because he had to meet a friend to get his books for the term and talk about a study schedule. And that he had to be to work by 3:00 or 3:30. He tried saying that it would take him 40 minutes to get here when in fact, it takes fifteen to get here from PSU. I don't know why it still comes to a surprise to me that his friends and school will always come before Michelle. I don't mind it coming before me anymore. Hell, I'm filing the paperwork for the divorce this week. However, it seriously bothers me that anything comes before his daughter. When he started working at the bookstore they told him that it was a flexible schedule. Besides, it is one's right under the law to miss work when you have a sick kid. I'm sure that Rodney would understand if he was a few minutes late because he had to go to the store. But once again he doesn't have his priorities strait. His priorities will never revolve around his little girl. It will always revolve around his work and social life rather than where it matters most. Michelle constantly tells me whenever I tell her she's going with Kyle that she doesn't want to see him. With the way he treats her, I can't say I blame her.
 In other news, my best friend -whom I'll call Sarin- had a horrible tragedy happen in her family this weekend. Her brother killed himself. I don't know exactly all of the details yet. She had to ID her brother. Sarin thinks that he offed himself because their grandmother who raised them died and he just couldn't handle the grief.
Her and I are trying to make plans to go out together. She told me that if Kyle doesn't follow through with taking me to the store that she may be able to swing by later. Yay. Anyways, I think I am going to try to pick all of this tissue up. I must have used a whole roll last night just on my nose.

 Yesterday Elskie gave me her room and volunteered to sleep in the living room. She had suggested it after I had  mentioned that I think part of the problem with me and Derrick (whom I have affectionately nicknamed Gaston) is that he just doesn't seem to get that I like my privacy in the morning and the fact that I am so used to my privacy and things have been a bit more difficult because of the fact that my bedroom had been the living room I had absolutely no where to escape. She went ahead and told Gaston our plan. He thought it was a silly idea because of the fact that I don't pay rent and Elskie went ahead and told him that she really didn't need that much privacy and really in the end she would be the one with the final say in the whole matter. I just hope this does not prevent conflict further down the road. While I was gone with my mother yesterday and at a job interview for Dick's Sporting Goods Elskie moved everything around. Derrick has not showed me any nasty attitude about the whole thing yet which I am glad for.
 I should be hearing back about the job for Dick's Sporting Goods sometime this week. Applicants are to know by next week if they have a job or not! It's a new store opening so they technically will not be opening until Halloween. In that time we will be working on store set up and training.
 In other news, my father has become a homeowner. I am glad for him naturally. I am a pit peeved though since I was told a few weekends ago that he was going to come up and visit Michelle and I on his vacation. He had all of last week off. This week he will be moving into his new place. He will not be coming to visit us in Portland. I guarantee it. It bums me out a lot. I haven't seen my dad since March. And he's not following through with spending more time with his children and grandchild since Marcella passed away two years ago. In fact, we saw dad more often when Marcella had cancer, was  alive, and dying. We spent just about every holiday with them. And now... he's a Jehovah's Witness and he doesn't celebrate holidays. It's a pity really. Michelle is missing out on my father. I am paying him the respect in being open minded about his faith. However, he was more open minded about mine back before all of this Witness business. I'm trying my best not to be bitter, but it really bugs me when my father seems like he's blowing off his family to save his own ass in the afterlife. Or dare I say it -so he could get some-. Anyways...

 I've noticed random things I have missed since having to the majority of my possessions into storage and having to give the car to my ex (well I didn't have to... the starter was going out and I can't afford to fix that) the things I've actually missed. I've missed my books. My vast variety of books. I'm missed my stereo and blasting music while I play. I miss driving places and blasting music. I miss other things too. Like watching Michelle draw on her easel all day. Anyways, speaking of Michelle she wants some snuggles so I need to stop typing.

Unprepared
 I have this impending feeling looking around at the way things are that many people have not been prepared for this second economic depression in which the media keeps calling a recession for fear that people may go crazy or something. I am not trying to come off as bragging or anything of the sort. However, I feel that since I've been raised my entire life in poverty in felony flats practically that I am prepared for this. I have not emotionaly broke down from my living situation. I am used to living in poverty. There has been stress. But I have not felt completely helpless. I am thankful to my friends whom have let me stay with them with my daughter. My bedroom may be their living room. However we've made it like a room so it's sometimes difficult to tell the difference. It's like living in a studio apartment almost. My friends have been awesome on the most part. There have been a few misunderstandings I think. Or more or less I think it's just because we're in close quarters (three adults, two children, three cats, two bedroom apartment with one bathroom) So we're starting to need space. But we're making do. That's what counts. We have a place to live and food in our bellies.
 Things are slowly looking up. My lovely soon to be ex mother inlaw informed me that if I fill out a waiver that I can get divorced free of charge! YAY!
 I had an interview today for a full time position. I hear back Monday about it. Wish me luck. I have another interview on Monday as well :) I am starting to get more helpful. The rainy cold season is starting here in Portland. My mother was driving me to Michelle's doctor's appointment the other day and it started pissing rain so I stuck my head out the window. It felt nice. . . I have my kitty back. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

 My first client is due next month. Me being on call is fast approaching. I am excited.

Living is St. Johns isn't that bad. It reminds me of SE Portland when I was a kid so I feel comforted by that.

Changes


 It has been a while since I've updated on here. My husband an I are getting a divorce. I don't really care to go into details. Just know it's for the best. On top of this divorce business, we were evicted from the apartment in Gresham. First I was staying with my friend and her family. I'll just call her Sarin. It was too hectic, stressful, and just not a good fit for Michelle and I. So now we've relocated. We're still in Portland. I'm just staying with some dear friends. Right now it's the best fit I could have wished for.
 While I was staying with Sarin I was in a program called Project Enterprise. Then I thought I got rehired on by FedEx. However, they've just opened this new hub on Monday and the HR lady was in charge of a mass hire and screwed things up big time. I am pretty devastated by it because I was certain I had a job. But I have good friends and a roof over my head so I am thankful. I am keeping hopeful. As a result of this mishap however I am now in an strange spot. I have to talk to my worker to get my TANF reinstated and I need to get back on the jobs program. I am trying to keep high hopes. My friends here are wonderful. There is rarely yelling. This has calmed me down significantly. While the neighborhood is not the best, home is what you make it. I feel like a gypsy in a sense. My room right now is a living room. The partitions for my room are tie-dyed tapestries. There are Tibetan flags hanging from the patio at the head of my bed. I miss my cat dearly. However, right now I hope he's in a safe spot. He's also in transition. He was to stay with my sister for a few weeks. He disappeared and then reappeared in Trina's trailer court. My mother had said she was going to take him but now she is changing her story. So that concerns me. I will have to call my sister tomorrow and give her a call to tell her I am working on getting a leash and collar for Neko. Anyways, Michelle is taking the transition hard. She's acting out more. I think it could also be because Sarin's boys are not well behaved and disciplined so Michelle was picking up on that. She's extra clingy. I don't generally mind it unless it's when I'm asleep and there all of a sudden is a cold foot pressing against me.
 The current agenda involves finding a job, paying off the landlord, saving up money, getting divorced, and getting custodial custody of Michelle. Kyle is like Jekyll and Hyde the majority of the time. I don't know really what to expect from him. Elskie had spoke of renting a house with me and my other chum once the lease here is up in November. Boy that would be nice. :)

World Naked Bike Ride!!!!

Saturday June 12th 2010, @ 10pm. It's going to be fucking awesome!!!! I think that they're still working on a location for the starting point. I will be going again :) I may be going to one of the daytime bike rides also if I can :) Will keep updates on other Naked related bicyle goodness as the information comes to me :) Here's a video from last years bike ride. Warning: Naked Portland People on Bicycles.

Tomorrow I have my Labor Doula workshop. I'm really excited about it. Kyle has been getting on my nerves all morning. All he cares about is Michelle not damaging something it seems. He wont even really let her be a little kid and explore. Nor does he really spend quality time with her. It's depressing. He spends too much time on the internet. Sometimes I wish we didn't have internet at all but I know I need it for school. He'd find another excuse to not spend time with her I think. He needs to grow up and accept responsibility. He doesn't even remember to pay the bills. I can't wait until we cancel the home phone and tv completely. We never watch it. If I couls feasably do it, I'd cancel the internet too. But he'd just play video games instead. I hate how lazy he is. But this is nothing new so I am not going to waste my time complaining about it. He used to be so much more fun before we had Michelle. He was a lot kinder also. It's a pitty how kids make a persons true colors show sometimes. If I were telling this to my mother in-law she would do what she always does. Make up excuses for him. She seems to have a way for that. For making up excuses for anyone she actually gives a shit about in fact. I will be relieved when Kyle leaves for the weekend. I need a break from him and his attitude. I'm tired of him treating Michelle as something that has to be constantly controlled. That's not what raising a person is all about. You have to nurture them and show them love and teach them lessons without YELLING at them constantly telling them to quit being a bad kid. That's just horrible parrenting. I don't get him. I don't agree with his parenting style. He needs to fix his way of thinking because I'm not raising our daughter the way he has been. It shatters her self confidence and makes her too nervous to try new things. If he was raised that way I see why he has no balls nor self confidence. I don't want to raise a child that way.  I WILL NOT. Anyways, I'm just waiting for him to get back from the store with my books and some food before I get a weekend to concentrate in peace for finals and my workshop this weekend.

  It's dead week. I recall in high school I am technically not suppose to have any homework this week. That this week is suppose to completely be dedicated to studying for my finals next week. Yet, I have found that not only do I have homework this week, but I have it in EVERY class. What's up with that? Somehow I have remained really calm through all of this. Most likely because I have my Labor Doula workshop beginning this weekend and because a dear old friend -Trista- just had her third child. Finally a baby girl for her. I am thrilled for her and her daughter is a gorgeous girl. Named Alice. Blonde too. What a beatiful early birthday gift for Trista. I am entriged by all of this Labor Doula information I am reading in the reading binder for that class. It gets me more and more excited every time I read the reading binder!!! The husband has work this weekend in Lincoln City allegedly. It depends if he can find someone to babysit Michelle or not. I obviously wont be home really because the workshops go all day long on Saturday and Sunday.
  My fifteen year old niece Ashley instant messaged me online this morning right after I woke up and said she didn't know what to do. It caught me off guard as I had just woke up and didn't know what she was talking about. Anyways, I'm a bit too lazy to type it and I have the IM window still open so I will just copy and paste as follows:
ashley.cutegirls.miller: Aunt Cheri I don't know what to do!
ashley.cutegirls.miller: Peachy keen!!!

Cheri: ?

What's going on?


ashley.cutegirls.miller: I broke up with my boyfriend and now a lot of people are ganging up on me for it!! :'( :'(


Cheri: Your relationship is none of their business. Why did you break up?


ashley.cutegirls.miller: He was more of a brother than a boyfriend. That's why!


Cheri: Then you did nothing wrong and if they're getting on your case about it tell them your relationship is none of their business and to but the fuck out.


ashley.cutegirls.miller: They said thier going to beat me up- for it though!!


Cheri: If they're getting violent or anything tell a teachre

They can

't harrass you for it. It's against school policy,

They can get expelled for it.

Trust me that's how I got expelled in middle school

different situation but same concept

I can call the school if you need me too if you're too shy


ashley.cutegirls.miller: But the thing is that the nurse, principle are already involved! :'( :'( :'(


Cheri: How so?


ashley.cutegirls.miller: They're worried about a whole different subject!!


Cheri: ? O.o that's wierd


ashley.cutegirls.miller: And either way I'm going to get beat up after school!!

:'( :'(


Cheri: Hold on

ashley.cutegirls.miller: What?

Please don't get involved!!


Cheri: Honey don't worry about it.

Trust me everything will be fine!!

Oi high school huh?

You have like two more years of all of this shit till you're done with it completely. You'll look back and will be in utter disbelief of how stupid some people are.


ashley.cutegirls.miller: Yeah right!


Cheri: Sweety you came to me because you were scared, what did you really want me to do?


ashley.cutegirls.miller: IDK!! :'( :'(



Cheri: It's okay everything will be fine trust me.

I promise.



Anyways, around the time I said hang on to Ashley I called my sister. She's pulling Ash out of school early today because she has no other choice because she has to pick up Cloe and Ray around the same time Ashley gets out of school today. I hope Ashley doesn't hate me for it but what else could I have done really? I live about a half hour away driving on a good day from Ashley's high school and also I'm not on the release form to pick up Ashley from school. Plus it's not my place really. :-/ I hope that everything is going to be okay with her. I know it will eventually but what a silly thing for people to threaten to beat a teenager up over. I mean really.  -_-

 Ms. Michelle is three years old. It's crazy to think about really. I also had the realization that it's almost been four years since Kyle and I met. That's an odd thought.
 Michelle had a really fun birthday party. I personally didn't take any pictures. I know that my mother inlaw and Mary did though. So that's cool by me. A day or so before Michelle's party I got these disposable buffet style serving heating tray that originally were bought to be used at our wedding so I decided to make homemade pesto pasta along with roasted veggies. I decided on this because I thought some of the adults may not want sugary cupcakes to eat. The pesto pasta was a huge hit. My sister and her family were able to come this year. I am glad that they did. Ray, my nephew seemed to be having a bad day and was acting out and being rude. He can't really help it though because he was a drug baby and has many developmental issues. At one point he was tormenting my cat and frightened him pretty bad. My older brother Ryan didn't make it to Michelle's birthday party. Neither did my dad, Hilary, Ruth (though the boys did come for a few minutes), Raeanne, or Mo & Joe. Elizabeth obviously didn't make it either since she just had a baby about a month ago. I was sick and zombie like for the entire party. Kyle stayed in the dinning room socializing like he always does when we have a party of any kind rather than focusing on Michelle where he should have been. He's been on my nerves all fucking day. Yesterday too. Especially yesterday. He always seems to be confrontational whenever his mother is around. Like he's trying to prove he's a man or something. It's really fucking dumb. Anyways, I am sick and don't feel good  and I need to do homework today before I tell Kyle something.