Truly The End of Our Marriage
 I feel like someone has taken a melon baller and scraped a part of me out. After in dawning upon me that Kyle was not suicidal and once I got past the initial being pissed off period for him lying about it I realized that I was still madly in love with my husband. I've been crying for over a week now. In the process of being angry over all of this I noticed how miserable that Kyle was. I was afraid he may still take his life. So, during a full moon ritual I asked for his pain to be healed and that he was able to move on with his life and be happy. I am such a fool. I told him about why I had left. He told me that he wish that I would have told him. I wish I had too. I was too afraid and panicked. I made a rash decision. It is through bad communication the light the fire. It is lies of fear that made the winds blow to a point this small fire turned into a huge one. He told me that he'd consider it. After a week of sitting around the house and waiting, already knowing what was coming we spoke. I tried to ignore the obvious omens. His mixed messages, our handfasting cord unraveling itself of the knots. Our marriage was so fixable. In the process of this summer I got over Skyler. I've sat in silence holding in my feelings for my husband for a long time. Why? Because he looked so happy. Who am I to touch that? I started going slightly mad with grief. Part of me still is. I would stand somewhere in my home looking out my window. My memory can still feel his spirit wrapping his arms around me from behind. Holding me and slightly rocking from side to side while he gently kissed my neck. I cherish those memories with every fiber of my being. I look forward to the day when I can recall them without crying. His answer was inevitable. He got over me. He's happy. He's growing as a person. He said that he loves me but it's in the way you love family. I hate living in grief like this. I really do. But because of the many things I did in hopes of him becoming happy I've destroyed our marriage. I lost the love of my life. Seems rather naive to say at the age of 23. But he is all I know. I'm not sure if it was worth it or not. He was my best friend. Now I feel like I have no one to talk to. It really sucks. Don't fuck with magick while you're angry or blinded by emotions children. It will bite you in the ass and you'll some day realize what you thought you wanted was indeed something completely else. It would have been five years we were together in April. So what do I do now? I guess I need another spell. Because I do not want to live in this despair. It's effecting my ability to be a mother. I can't have that. It's not fair to my beautiful daughter. Not to mention I am on call right now. I do not want this to affect my ability to be a wonderful Doula come baby time. I guess that I need to focus on the other things that bring me joy. And the other things that need my attention and utmost focus. I cannot refuse to lay down and die. Even if it feels like a wonderful idea. I guess I should make a list yeah?
Here it goes:

-Get a job
-Spend quality time with Michelle
-Go hiking
-Devote myself completely as a Doula and Mother to the task at hand
-Do Yoga
-Eat something healthy (or anything for that mater)
-Get back into school
-Spend time discovering myself as it is not until you know yourself that you know what you truly want in life.
-Go see my dad (I really have wanted my father in all of this)
-Get my own place (I'm thinking of renting a 2 bedroom manufactured home to save money)

I'm sure there is more but I figure this is a good start.