For the past two months I've thought of taking my own life nearly everyday because of him. I am done with it. He's never once apologized to me for all the shit he's ever done to me. I at least had the decency to apologize to him about Skyler. I am done feeling like I want to kill myself over someone who has such a total disregard for my feelings and doesn't even seem to give a shit in the slightest about how I feel. No mater how much I still am in love with him at this point I will never accept him back because I deserve better than this shit. Whether it be a friend or my husband. I am done with you. You've lost your chance love.

You will never hurt me again.

It's official. The only thing that has completely took my mind off of Kyle was when my client's water broke and I had to go in for her labor. And when my client was resting during labor, the thoughts of Kyle were still there. Go figure.

How I feel today summed up in media images and songs.

There's more... .But I think anyone who actually will take the time to listen to this music and hear the lyrics will get the idea.

This pain and sadness just wont go away... I try to distract myself I try to do the things that usually bring me joy and nothing works. I feel like I've lost the only family that matters to me. Just by loosing one person.

So drained and tired. Mom's heart aparently is fine. So they're going to release her at some point today. They're taking FOREVER though. Because mom is stable so they're putting her off to be seen and discharged. If this hospital were better staffed they would have discharged her first thing this morning like they said they would. And I'm bitching. Because I'm tired.

Mom in hospital


 My mother is spending the night in the hospital. She broke her collar bone about a month ago. She was complaining this morning about chest pains. So she had me drive. I drove us down to public storage. Around the time when I was almost done going through my storage unit she became ill and began vomiting. After about 45 minutes of her puking both at Public Storage and at my sister's house my sister and I convinced her to let me take her in to the emergency room.
 They admitted her right away because of her chest pains. She had some chest xrays done and some heart tests ran. They also recently ran an abdominal xray on her. She took her sleep medicine and now it looks like she is going to sleep. The doctor said that if everything checks out that she should be out of here first thing in the morning. On my way back up to her room from the car I saw someone's car parked in a disabled spot. It looks like they're living out of their car just like my mom. It saddens me how many people who are elderly that are living out of their cars and getting sick. I saddens me more that if I weren't with my mother today something serious could have happened to her and no one would have been with her. Especially since I am nearly in the same boat as her. It kills me. Anyways, I am going to drink some 7-up and job hunt. I don't think I want to live with Gaston and Elskie after their lease is up. Right now, I want it to be just me and Michelle. I don't want my friends to sit around everyday and watching me be depressed. They have their own lives to worry about. I love them and appreciate them for more than they will ever know. But I can't stand for people to see me like this. I can't stand not working. I can't stand a lot of things. I feel worthless. But that's nothing new. I have my beautiful little girl to worry about. I'm still holding out hope for Kyle. Naive as it may be. I love him. That will not change.

I know if a good friend of mine knew what was going on with me right now what he'd say.... He'd say "It's going to be alright" but honestly I can't see how that's going to come to pass right now. Am I just suppose to hold onto this forever and act like it didn't happen like the government does with the BP spill or a bunch of other things? That's not going to get me anywhere. It's just going to damage my soul more in the end. I just don't know what to do... It's so hard to get my mind off of this. I've tried to keep my mind off of it for so long that now it seems there is no holding back. -sighs- I don't know what to do.

I woke up several times last night. Finding it hard to sleep. Coughing was part of it. The other was nightmares relating to Kyle.

It's been almost six months... It's still difficult to sleep without you by my side. I miss you, and I will never forgive myself for asking the Goddess for you to be able to get over me and be happy. I know I will never get over you. You're the love of my life. I wish the spell never took. It's all my fault. I know you don't believe in it or anything. But you've never had a broken heart before now. I think you would figure out otherwise that it's not normal to get over your wife so easily.

I don't want to get over him. He's the love of my life. Who the hell would ever want to get over the love of their life? If you ever did you're a crazy mother fucker.

Truly The End of Our Marriage
 I feel like someone has taken a melon baller and scraped a part of me out. After in dawning upon me that Kyle was not suicidal and once I got past the initial being pissed off period for him lying about it I realized that I was still madly in love with my husband. I've been crying for over a week now. In the process of being angry over all of this I noticed how miserable that Kyle was. I was afraid he may still take his life. So, during a full moon ritual I asked for his pain to be healed and that he was able to move on with his life and be happy. I am such a fool. I told him about why I had left. He told me that he wish that I would have told him. I wish I had too. I was too afraid and panicked. I made a rash decision. It is through bad communication the light the fire. It is lies of fear that made the winds blow to a point this small fire turned into a huge one. He told me that he'd consider it. After a week of sitting around the house and waiting, already knowing what was coming we spoke. I tried to ignore the obvious omens. His mixed messages, our handfasting cord unraveling itself of the knots. Our marriage was so fixable. In the process of this summer I got over Skyler. I've sat in silence holding in my feelings for my husband for a long time. Why? Because he looked so happy. Who am I to touch that? I started going slightly mad with grief. Part of me still is. I would stand somewhere in my home looking out my window. My memory can still feel his spirit wrapping his arms around me from behind. Holding me and slightly rocking from side to side while he gently kissed my neck. I cherish those memories with every fiber of my being. I look forward to the day when I can recall them without crying. His answer was inevitable. He got over me. He's happy. He's growing as a person. He said that he loves me but it's in the way you love family. I hate living in grief like this. I really do. But because of the many things I did in hopes of him becoming happy I've destroyed our marriage. I lost the love of my life. Seems rather naive to say at the age of 23. But he is all I know. I'm not sure if it was worth it or not. He was my best friend. Now I feel like I have no one to talk to. It really sucks. Don't fuck with magick while you're angry or blinded by emotions children. It will bite you in the ass and you'll some day realize what you thought you wanted was indeed something completely else. It would have been five years we were together in April. So what do I do now? I guess I need another spell. Because I do not want to live in this despair. It's effecting my ability to be a mother. I can't have that. It's not fair to my beautiful daughter. Not to mention I am on call right now. I do not want this to affect my ability to be a wonderful Doula come baby time. I guess that I need to focus on the other things that bring me joy. And the other things that need my attention and utmost focus. I cannot refuse to lay down and die. Even if it feels like a wonderful idea. I guess I should make a list yeah?
Here it goes:

-Get a job
-Spend quality time with Michelle
-Go hiking
-Devote myself completely as a Doula and Mother to the task at hand
-Do Yoga
-Eat something healthy (or anything for that mater)
-Get back into school
-Spend time discovering myself as it is not until you know yourself that you know what you truly want in life.
-Go see my dad (I really have wanted my father in all of this)
-Get my own place (I'm thinking of renting a 2 bedroom manufactured home to save money)

I'm sure there is more but I figure this is a good start.

I fucked up so bad. And now I am almost certain I lost the one thing I asked the Goddess for. I was so specific and all I did was fuck it up when I got what I asked for. All I was trying to do was save him so my daughter would have a father and he wouldn’t kill himself. I thought in leaving I’d remedy the problem and he would stay alive. He certainly stayed alive but I later found out that he was lying about suicidal. So, instead I just threw him away and now I’m afraid I’ll never get him back. What have I done? How could I be so stupid? Why didn’t I fight for it? He said it took one month. I thought I had a bigger place in his heart than for him getting over me to take a whole month. I feel worthless and stupid. I know I probably shouldn’t beat myself up over all of this but it’s difficult not to right now. So is the Tao and so is my karma. It’s amazing how easy it is to disturb the balance in which you seek and how hard it is to get that balance back. I miss him and love him. What have I done? It feels like I ran. I’m such a coward. I knew then what I was getting when I left. It’s just so hard to accept. It feels like I sacrificed it all for nothing. I’m not even sure if it was worth it at this point. Is he happy? It seems like it. Would I make him miserable? I’m not sure. We fought a lot; more than mom and dad by far. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. I shouldn’t be allowed to cry as I’ve done this to myself. I cannot find peace right now. I don’t even think that ridding my bicycle would help at this point. At this point I don’t deserve sympathy. I assume the only thing I honestly would get at this point would be pity. I don’t want anyone’s pity. It makes me feel so weak when I do have it. I hate this part. I know I can go on in despair like this for months. I have before. But never before was I married. Never before was it something that I asked the Goddess specifically for. Never before now. So I have no clue how long this despair, heartbreak, and sadness with last. I’m so sorry that I was so stupid. If I would have known that you weren’t suicidal Kyle, I would have fought tooth and nail for us. I was so scared. I’m sorry. I was such a coward. I’m too late. A part of me knows this. However, he said he’d think about it. But I am just hanging onto that thread. Not a very strong shard of hope at all. A month…. I can’t believe you said it only took a month to get over me…