This weekend has been by far one of the weirdest/normal-est ones I've had in a long time.

I don't call it home because it doesn't feel like home. I don't know what does anymore. So many drastic changes in life in the past five and a half months. My mind hasn't been put through so many trials ever at once in such a short time. I just don't know what to think anymore. But what else is new. Keep your chin up Cheri. It's going to possibly get worse before it gets better. That's what dad always says. Perhaps this time you will be right Pop. I hate this time of my life. I know in Thanksgivings to come I will look back at this time and I will remember the trials I've been through and I will be thankful then for whatever is better in my life at that time rather than the constant struggles I'm going through now. Anyways, I am off. Michelle is waking up.

 The upwards point I guess is that I get to drive my sister in laws car up to Eugene or Salem tomorrow by myself. Which means blasting music and screaming songs in the car. I look forward to it. It has been entirely to long since I've been able to scream songs at the top of my lungs while driving and blasting tunes. It's therapeutic. Monday I begin my journey to find daycare for Michelle. And then Friday I have my appointment with my JOBs worker.

I'm pretty sure I think too much.

 I thought that this would be easy. It's the weirdest and hardest thing to sit next to him as he flirts with his sisters best friend and he inches away from me slowly as if I'm the most disgusting thing in the world. I know I shouldn't let it bug me. I'd be lying though if I said it didn't. It's amazing to me that the man who used to make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world now makes me feel as if I am the most disgusting vile thing to walk the earth. He doesn't even have to use words. It's just his body language. I wish I could ignore it. It depresses me. I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that I didn't take my Vitamin D for 2 days because I couldn't find it or because my moon time is approaching. He doesn't deserve me and I know it. He treated me like shit and was inconsiderate. Still is. So why do I let it bug me so much. Why can't I just shut my emotions off? I don't love him.  It's so weird sitting there watching movies of him as a child. Still thinking he's adorable. I can't help but feel like laying my head on his shoulder like I used to. I don't love him. He humiliated me in front of his friends because I suspected he was cheating on me. Never once did he defend me. Never once did he apologize. I've even brought it up and his response was that I never apologized for all the shit I put Roseanne through. This isn't even about Roseanne. I've apologized to her regardless countless times. But he just selectively seems to forget. Fancy that. Oh well. It's in the past and doesn't really fucking matter anyways. I have nothing at this point to be thankful for. Hope anyone out there reading at least does.

Did I write that I'm over Kyle? Yeah. It's pretty awesome. Now I just don't like him. In fact, I'm considering taking him off my friends list because he never ceases to piss me off. Moving out of Portland. It depresses me. I will miss home. Portland is the only place I've ever felt at home.

Did I write that I'm over Kyle? Yeah. It's pretty awesome. Now I just don't like him. In fact, I'm considering taking him off my friends list because he never ceases to piss me off. Moving out of Portland. It depresses me. I will miss home. Portland is the only place I've ever felt at home.

It's too easy to loose faith in myself these days. I've fallen behind and my time here is going to be coming to an end in a few months. Elskie will be moving on. Gaston has had talks of moving out to Rockwood. There is no way in hell I would ever live in Rockwood. That's worse than felony flats. I need to get my shit together. Enough of this. I feel like I'm getting dragged down. I feel almost helpless. How am I suppose to find work when I have no one to watch Michelle?  Oi.

I'm really in love with this concept of this whole binder. The website is pretty nifty too! Check it out!!! ^_^


Coupon Binder Organizer of DOOM

What has the world done to you? You're not the same person I fell in love with. I hope that makes it easier to get over you. But truth be told, I feel like you died and left me behind. Here alone. Your drinking is getting out of hand. You will not listen to me about this. It scares me. I've seen to many people go down that path my love. A lot of my psychological problems have to do with growing up around people to drunk to raise me. Also my father's brother molesting me while everyone was drunk. I don't want you to become this oblivious to let your guard down around your daughter. I don't want this path for you. Is the thing I manifested in order for you to become happy truly turned you into an alcoholic? I cannot stand to see you this way any more. You're loosing me. You're loosing me fast. I cannot live this way.I cannot sit and watch you do this to yourself. To your daughter. However, I cannot just turn a cheek as we have a daughter together. I have to watch. And it's killing me see you turn into something I know you're a thousand times better than. I'm not talking you up anymore. I know you. I'm your wife. You're the man who thinks that pot is one of the worst things in the world and you didn't even drink until after your 21st birthday. You're my nerd that can recite the first 17 digits of pie.  I know of your funny ankle thing and it does not bother me. Neither do your hobbit feet. You know my bodies map and I know yours.
 It does not take knowing your map though to know that this is not a good path for you to take. You will not listen to me though so I do not tell you. I'm breaking away from you. But I must keep an open eye upon you and you make these decisions to make sure you do not slip up and do something you're going to regret that could hurt Michelle. Fuck hurting me. All I care about is if you do something stupid that causes her to get hurt.
  I'm surviving. I'm getting out of bed. I've become physically sick over all this stress. Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment.
 I am done with you. Know this love. Despite how much I may love you I cannot be with you ever with you going down this path. I cannot have what happened to me happen to her. I will not. 

I've wasted so much time on him. Mother fucker doesn't even pay child support. His excuse. He hasn't been asked to by any state agency. Yet he know how much we're suffering. Fuck you Kyle.