Events as of late


 Well, last Sunday I moved to Lincoln City. I am living with my father inlaw. Michelle and I are still sharing a room. Pink is an odd color to adjust too... Elskie and Gaston were arguing but that's nothing typically new. That's not why I left. I left because Sarin's husband fractured her nose and she's going back to the prick. She's not even pressing charges against him. I can't stand and watch. So I left. I live in fear of getting a phone call saying that he's killed her. If there is a next time of her leaving him and it involves violence I'm turning it into the police. Her husband told my eldest Godchild if he didn't eat his dinner he'd stab his mother in the leg. That man is no good for her. I pray that Oya takes care of him. He has every horrible thing in this world coming to him. Things here aren't that bad so far. I'm mostly alone but keep in contact with people via internet and phone.
 Kyle is here until next week after xmas. Tomorrow we celebrate Yuletide and Don's birthday. I think I will make him a cake to surprise him. No clue on what type of cake though. :-/
 The library has a Winter Solstice celebration happening tomorrow night so I think I will try and go to that as well for Michelle's sake :) We already read the story of Yuletide. We went to Goodwill and picked out a lovely hand sewn dress for Michelle for Yuletide. She adores it and calls it her Sailor Moon Princess dress. :)
We went to the beach just when the tide was starting to go out and we picked a Yule Log from the rocks right by the sand. It's soaking wet. Hopefully it will dry out by tomorrow but I'm not banking on it.
 Kyle and have been having a casual thing. We need to stop doing it. It's not healthy and I find myself getting emotionally hurt because he will not admit or tell me that he thinks I am beautiful. I know I shouldn't let it bother me but after him telling me a few months ago he doesn't find me attractive and then all this shit happens it's difficult to really not let it bug me. . . I don't get him. No; we're not getting back together. He doesn't love me. It doesn't matter if I love him or not. I know we're no good for each other. We both deserve something different. We'll drive each other crazy if we're together. I cannot put myself through that. I can't put my daughter through that. Furthermore, I can't put my cat through that.
 My student loans have gone into repayment. Luckily, it's rather cheap $50/month. I know I will not be going back to school for a while. DHS provides free short term training. I am planning on doing this training so I can get a better paying job and then do my Doula work on the side. I will be in Lincoln City for a while. I don't know how long. Kyle will not be relocating. He has a year left of school he said. And then he says he plans on getting a job but does not think he can get one closer to here. It's up to him on what he wants to do. As a parent it is up to him to decide on his level of involvement. I worry it will strain his relationship with Michelle. At the same time though it makes life easier on me as far as raising Michelle the way I'd like too goes.

 Other than that mom's health is questionable. She is getting put on heart monitors three times a week and she has cirrhosis of the liver and can't even smoke bud she's so ill. I worry for her. That's one of the few reasons I was staying in Portland. However, mom apparently got approved for section 8 housing and will be able to move in a few short months to Marion County. So near or in Salem. She'll be about an hour away from me driving wise. So I don't worry so much. Mom also has to at some point get a colonoscopy. I'm sure more horrid and vague test results will follow :-( Ug. Anyways, I am getting hungry and I think I need to make dinner sometime soon. Happy Yuletide all. We'll have a full moon and a total lunar eclipse this year. :)

This weekend has been by far one of the weirdest/normal-est ones I've had in a long time.

I don't call it home because it doesn't feel like home. I don't know what does anymore. So many drastic changes in life in the past five and a half months. My mind hasn't been put through so many trials ever at once in such a short time. I just don't know what to think anymore. But what else is new. Keep your chin up Cheri. It's going to possibly get worse before it gets better. That's what dad always says. Perhaps this time you will be right Pop. I hate this time of my life. I know in Thanksgivings to come I will look back at this time and I will remember the trials I've been through and I will be thankful then for whatever is better in my life at that time rather than the constant struggles I'm going through now. Anyways, I am off. Michelle is waking up.

 The upwards point I guess is that I get to drive my sister in laws car up to Eugene or Salem tomorrow by myself. Which means blasting music and screaming songs in the car. I look forward to it. It has been entirely to long since I've been able to scream songs at the top of my lungs while driving and blasting tunes. It's therapeutic. Monday I begin my journey to find daycare for Michelle. And then Friday I have my appointment with my JOBs worker.

I'm pretty sure I think too much.

 I thought that this would be easy. It's the weirdest and hardest thing to sit next to him as he flirts with his sisters best friend and he inches away from me slowly as if I'm the most disgusting thing in the world. I know I shouldn't let it bug me. I'd be lying though if I said it didn't. It's amazing to me that the man who used to make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world now makes me feel as if I am the most disgusting vile thing to walk the earth. He doesn't even have to use words. It's just his body language. I wish I could ignore it. It depresses me. I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that I didn't take my Vitamin D for 2 days because I couldn't find it or because my moon time is approaching. He doesn't deserve me and I know it. He treated me like shit and was inconsiderate. Still is. So why do I let it bug me so much. Why can't I just shut my emotions off? I don't love him.  It's so weird sitting there watching movies of him as a child. Still thinking he's adorable. I can't help but feel like laying my head on his shoulder like I used to. I don't love him. He humiliated me in front of his friends because I suspected he was cheating on me. Never once did he defend me. Never once did he apologize. I've even brought it up and his response was that I never apologized for all the shit I put Roseanne through. This isn't even about Roseanne. I've apologized to her regardless countless times. But he just selectively seems to forget. Fancy that. Oh well. It's in the past and doesn't really fucking matter anyways. I have nothing at this point to be thankful for. Hope anyone out there reading at least does.

Did I write that I'm over Kyle? Yeah. It's pretty awesome. Now I just don't like him. In fact, I'm considering taking him off my friends list because he never ceases to piss me off. Moving out of Portland. It depresses me. I will miss home. Portland is the only place I've ever felt at home.

Did I write that I'm over Kyle? Yeah. It's pretty awesome. Now I just don't like him. In fact, I'm considering taking him off my friends list because he never ceases to piss me off. Moving out of Portland. It depresses me. I will miss home. Portland is the only place I've ever felt at home.

It's too easy to loose faith in myself these days. I've fallen behind and my time here is going to be coming to an end in a few months. Elskie will be moving on. Gaston has had talks of moving out to Rockwood. There is no way in hell I would ever live in Rockwood. That's worse than felony flats. I need to get my shit together. Enough of this. I feel like I'm getting dragged down. I feel almost helpless. How am I suppose to find work when I have no one to watch Michelle?  Oi.

I'm really in love with this concept of this whole binder. The website is pretty nifty too! Check it out!!! ^_^


Coupon Binder Organizer of DOOM

What has the world done to you? You're not the same person I fell in love with. I hope that makes it easier to get over you. But truth be told, I feel like you died and left me behind. Here alone. Your drinking is getting out of hand. You will not listen to me about this. It scares me. I've seen to many people go down that path my love. A lot of my psychological problems have to do with growing up around people to drunk to raise me. Also my father's brother molesting me while everyone was drunk. I don't want you to become this oblivious to let your guard down around your daughter. I don't want this path for you. Is the thing I manifested in order for you to become happy truly turned you into an alcoholic? I cannot stand to see you this way any more. You're loosing me. You're loosing me fast. I cannot live this way.I cannot sit and watch you do this to yourself. To your daughter. However, I cannot just turn a cheek as we have a daughter together. I have to watch. And it's killing me see you turn into something I know you're a thousand times better than. I'm not talking you up anymore. I know you. I'm your wife. You're the man who thinks that pot is one of the worst things in the world and you didn't even drink until after your 21st birthday. You're my nerd that can recite the first 17 digits of pie.  I know of your funny ankle thing and it does not bother me. Neither do your hobbit feet. You know my bodies map and I know yours.
 It does not take knowing your map though to know that this is not a good path for you to take. You will not listen to me though so I do not tell you. I'm breaking away from you. But I must keep an open eye upon you and you make these decisions to make sure you do not slip up and do something you're going to regret that could hurt Michelle. Fuck hurting me. All I care about is if you do something stupid that causes her to get hurt.
  I'm surviving. I'm getting out of bed. I've become physically sick over all this stress. Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment.
 I am done with you. Know this love. Despite how much I may love you I cannot be with you ever with you going down this path. I cannot have what happened to me happen to her. I will not. 

I've wasted so much time on him. Mother fucker doesn't even pay child support. His excuse. He hasn't been asked to by any state agency. Yet he know how much we're suffering. Fuck you Kyle.

For the past two months I've thought of taking my own life nearly everyday because of him. I am done with it. He's never once apologized to me for all the shit he's ever done to me. I at least had the decency to apologize to him about Skyler. I am done feeling like I want to kill myself over someone who has such a total disregard for my feelings and doesn't even seem to give a shit in the slightest about how I feel. No mater how much I still am in love with him at this point I will never accept him back because I deserve better than this shit. Whether it be a friend or my husband. I am done with you. You've lost your chance love.

You will never hurt me again.

It's official. The only thing that has completely took my mind off of Kyle was when my client's water broke and I had to go in for her labor. And when my client was resting during labor, the thoughts of Kyle were still there. Go figure.

How I feel today summed up in media images and songs.

There's more... .But I think anyone who actually will take the time to listen to this music and hear the lyrics will get the idea.

This pain and sadness just wont go away... I try to distract myself I try to do the things that usually bring me joy and nothing works. I feel like I've lost the only family that matters to me. Just by loosing one person.

So drained and tired. Mom's heart aparently is fine. So they're going to release her at some point today. They're taking FOREVER though. Because mom is stable so they're putting her off to be seen and discharged. If this hospital were better staffed they would have discharged her first thing this morning like they said they would. And I'm bitching. Because I'm tired.

Mom in hospital


 My mother is spending the night in the hospital. She broke her collar bone about a month ago. She was complaining this morning about chest pains. So she had me drive. I drove us down to public storage. Around the time when I was almost done going through my storage unit she became ill and began vomiting. After about 45 minutes of her puking both at Public Storage and at my sister's house my sister and I convinced her to let me take her in to the emergency room.
 They admitted her right away because of her chest pains. She had some chest xrays done and some heart tests ran. They also recently ran an abdominal xray on her. She took her sleep medicine and now it looks like she is going to sleep. The doctor said that if everything checks out that she should be out of here first thing in the morning. On my way back up to her room from the car I saw someone's car parked in a disabled spot. It looks like they're living out of their car just like my mom. It saddens me how many people who are elderly that are living out of their cars and getting sick. I saddens me more that if I weren't with my mother today something serious could have happened to her and no one would have been with her. Especially since I am nearly in the same boat as her. It kills me. Anyways, I am going to drink some 7-up and job hunt. I don't think I want to live with Gaston and Elskie after their lease is up. Right now, I want it to be just me and Michelle. I don't want my friends to sit around everyday and watching me be depressed. They have their own lives to worry about. I love them and appreciate them for more than they will ever know. But I can't stand for people to see me like this. I can't stand not working. I can't stand a lot of things. I feel worthless. But that's nothing new. I have my beautiful little girl to worry about. I'm still holding out hope for Kyle. Naive as it may be. I love him. That will not change.

I know if a good friend of mine knew what was going on with me right now what he'd say.... He'd say "It's going to be alright" but honestly I can't see how that's going to come to pass right now. Am I just suppose to hold onto this forever and act like it didn't happen like the government does with the BP spill or a bunch of other things? That's not going to get me anywhere. It's just going to damage my soul more in the end. I just don't know what to do... It's so hard to get my mind off of this. I've tried to keep my mind off of it for so long that now it seems there is no holding back. -sighs- I don't know what to do.

I woke up several times last night. Finding it hard to sleep. Coughing was part of it. The other was nightmares relating to Kyle.