Always Too Busy


 Her father is always too busy. I have in the past two months-month and a half tried to have two important discussions regarding our daughter with him. One regarding my standpoint on vaccines and what he thought about it. I sent him links to websites to back these things up that led me to the decision to no longer vaccinate my daughter. I got no response. Before that I had tried to tell Kyle that I was trying to raise our daughter under the attachment parenting style and asked him for some support and also asked him what style of parenting he was trying to use with her. Still no response. I kept asking him questions. Never yelling. He kept saying he can't just stop school and quit his job. You don't have to quit your job or school to be involved in your daughter's life or the important decisions that come with the responsibility of being a father. I just wish he'd start acting like a father. But what do I know. I'm just that woman who was in labor with Moon Face for almost a day. I was just that woman who he claimed to hold in the highest respects and wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Like I ever mattered. I don't care at this point if I did or not. What I truly give a fuck about right now is the fact he never connects the dots to see just how much it takes to be a father nor the fact that he will go the extra mile to be one or have opinions when they actually matter!

Events as of late


 Well, last Sunday I moved to Lincoln City. I am living with my father inlaw. Michelle and I are still sharing a room. Pink is an odd color to adjust too... Elskie and Gaston were arguing but that's nothing typically new. That's not why I left. I left because Sarin's husband fractured her nose and she's going back to the prick. She's not even pressing charges against him. I can't stand and watch. So I left. I live in fear of getting a phone call saying that he's killed her. If there is a next time of her leaving him and it involves violence I'm turning it into the police. Her husband told my eldest Godchild if he didn't eat his dinner he'd stab his mother in the leg. That man is no good for her. I pray that Oya takes care of him. He has every horrible thing in this world coming to him. Things here aren't that bad so far. I'm mostly alone but keep in contact with people via internet and phone.
 Kyle is here until next week after xmas. Tomorrow we celebrate Yuletide and Don's birthday. I think I will make him a cake to surprise him. No clue on what type of cake though. :-/
 The library has a Winter Solstice celebration happening tomorrow night so I think I will try and go to that as well for Michelle's sake :) We already read the story of Yuletide. We went to Goodwill and picked out a lovely hand sewn dress for Michelle for Yuletide. She adores it and calls it her Sailor Moon Princess dress. :)
We went to the beach just when the tide was starting to go out and we picked a Yule Log from the rocks right by the sand. It's soaking wet. Hopefully it will dry out by tomorrow but I'm not banking on it.
 Kyle and have been having a casual thing. We need to stop doing it. It's not healthy and I find myself getting emotionally hurt because he will not admit or tell me that he thinks I am beautiful. I know I shouldn't let it bother me but after him telling me a few months ago he doesn't find me attractive and then all this shit happens it's difficult to really not let it bug me. . . I don't get him. No; we're not getting back together. He doesn't love me. It doesn't matter if I love him or not. I know we're no good for each other. We both deserve something different. We'll drive each other crazy if we're together. I cannot put myself through that. I can't put my daughter through that. Furthermore, I can't put my cat through that.
 My student loans have gone into repayment. Luckily, it's rather cheap $50/month. I know I will not be going back to school for a while. DHS provides free short term training. I am planning on doing this training so I can get a better paying job and then do my Doula work on the side. I will be in Lincoln City for a while. I don't know how long. Kyle will not be relocating. He has a year left of school he said. And then he says he plans on getting a job but does not think he can get one closer to here. It's up to him on what he wants to do. As a parent it is up to him to decide on his level of involvement. I worry it will strain his relationship with Michelle. At the same time though it makes life easier on me as far as raising Michelle the way I'd like too goes.

 Other than that mom's health is questionable. She is getting put on heart monitors three times a week and she has cirrhosis of the liver and can't even smoke bud she's so ill. I worry for her. That's one of the few reasons I was staying in Portland. However, mom apparently got approved for section 8 housing and will be able to move in a few short months to Marion County. So near or in Salem. She'll be about an hour away from me driving wise. So I don't worry so much. Mom also has to at some point get a colonoscopy. I'm sure more horrid and vague test results will follow :-( Ug. Anyways, I am getting hungry and I think I need to make dinner sometime soon. Happy Yuletide all. We'll have a full moon and a total lunar eclipse this year. :)

This weekend has been by far one of the weirdest/normal-est ones I've had in a long time.

I don't call it home because it doesn't feel like home. I don't know what does anymore. So many drastic changes in life in the past five and a half months. My mind hasn't been put through so many trials ever at once in such a short time. I just don't know what to think anymore. But what else is new. Keep your chin up Cheri. It's going to possibly get worse before it gets better. That's what dad always says. Perhaps this time you will be right Pop. I hate this time of my life. I know in Thanksgivings to come I will look back at this time and I will remember the trials I've been through and I will be thankful then for whatever is better in my life at that time rather than the constant struggles I'm going through now. Anyways, I am off. Michelle is waking up.

 The upwards point I guess is that I get to drive my sister in laws car up to Eugene or Salem tomorrow by myself. Which means blasting music and screaming songs in the car. I look forward to it. It has been entirely to long since I've been able to scream songs at the top of my lungs while driving and blasting tunes. It's therapeutic. Monday I begin my journey to find daycare for Michelle. And then Friday I have my appointment with my JOBs worker.

I'm pretty sure I think too much.

 I thought that this would be easy. It's the weirdest and hardest thing to sit next to him as he flirts with his sisters best friend and he inches away from me slowly as if I'm the most disgusting thing in the world. I know I shouldn't let it bug me. I'd be lying though if I said it didn't. It's amazing to me that the man who used to make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world now makes me feel as if I am the most disgusting vile thing to walk the earth. He doesn't even have to use words. It's just his body language. I wish I could ignore it. It depresses me. I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that I didn't take my Vitamin D for 2 days because I couldn't find it or because my moon time is approaching. He doesn't deserve me and I know it. He treated me like shit and was inconsiderate. Still is. So why do I let it bug me so much. Why can't I just shut my emotions off? I don't love him.  It's so weird sitting there watching movies of him as a child. Still thinking he's adorable. I can't help but feel like laying my head on his shoulder like I used to. I don't love him. He humiliated me in front of his friends because I suspected he was cheating on me. Never once did he defend me. Never once did he apologize. I've even brought it up and his response was that I never apologized for all the shit I put Roseanne through. This isn't even about Roseanne. I've apologized to her regardless countless times. But he just selectively seems to forget. Fancy that. Oh well. It's in the past and doesn't really fucking matter anyways. I have nothing at this point to be thankful for. Hope anyone out there reading at least does.

Did I write that I'm over Kyle? Yeah. It's pretty awesome. Now I just don't like him. In fact, I'm considering taking him off my friends list because he never ceases to piss me off. Moving out of Portland. It depresses me. I will miss home. Portland is the only place I've ever felt at home.

Did I write that I'm over Kyle? Yeah. It's pretty awesome. Now I just don't like him. In fact, I'm considering taking him off my friends list because he never ceases to piss me off. Moving out of Portland. It depresses me. I will miss home. Portland is the only place I've ever felt at home.

It's too easy to loose faith in myself these days. I've fallen behind and my time here is going to be coming to an end in a few months. Elskie will be moving on. Gaston has had talks of moving out to Rockwood. There is no way in hell I would ever live in Rockwood. That's worse than felony flats. I need to get my shit together. Enough of this. I feel like I'm getting dragged down. I feel almost helpless. How am I suppose to find work when I have no one to watch Michelle?  Oi.